TODAY’S PONY RIDE
And you wonder why I struggle to post coherently. Just read the preceding post. I am finding information at last that clicks into place for me. Dear Lord – I remain outraged at the lack of professional help or even understanding.
I need to make a decision right now. About being even more gentle with myself. I am extraordinarily unwell and figure the combination could still possibly kill me.
Grief + Coma + Sepsis + ARDS + Hep C and more = well Childe. Its a shocker. I have great difficulty breathing and moving around. I weary extremely easily. On the good physical days, the Grief comes whispering in my ear and I shatter once more.
So – what is my next step ?
ACCEPT THAT things is as they is.
I guess that waking from the Coma was like waking with most of the pieces of Lynne there – but all messed up like a jigsaw in a plain box with no image to follow other than roughly with bits torn out.
I began to find that some pieces were missing and by the look of it – missing permanently. Others were damaged and didn’t quite fit back into place. Some are faded and some too bright.
Lost in my own mind.
I no longer have to think in order to move my left leg and think again to get it to walk and then stop. That has returned to normal.
My words less often burst out louder than I had intended them too and my moods are a little less erratic.
Arkue is hiring a cleaner for me and there is a man coming to do the yard. I have some more books and containers to sort and some clothes and then I shall feel some order here. Trouble is I simply do not have enough strength even to sort a box or lift the smallest. No matter.
I am doing the very best I know how. I know from 1988 when I had the brain damage from alcohol and drug addiction sorted out at Prince Henry hospital in Sydney – that some things are broken and can’t be fixed. Back then it was planning and organisation and short term memory. Now I am feeling my way through the damage done this time.
Bed now. Out of gas for the heater till Monday.
Good Night, People. Good Night to the Widowed and Bereft. Goodnight to the Suffering.