Did the NA Meeting today. Enjoyed it. Gnarly oldtimers we were and we went for lunch as well at Pomegranate. I am trying to put together all the appointments for this week and it is one of the things I have major difficulty with. Izzy was a blessing because he was good at and enjoyed many dimensions of the straight world that I do not. Add the Coma and grief effects and I am more confused than ever. The difference in the last few months is that I don’t give a damn. In the first year or so, 2014 and well into 2015, Fear and Urgency were ruling me and getting things RIGHT seemed almighty important. Not now. Ever since the day when I just plain forgot the eye specialist’s appointment, that pressure is gone. I laughed and laughed when they rang to remind me. RIGID CONTROL had snapped and it just didn’t matter. Still doesn’t. Things will happen – or they won’t.
I have never seen a greater monster or miracle than myself.
I ALSO had the unexpected and life giving experience of a couple of hours on the sand with the little ones. 3 generations of us. Happy.
Better than when I trod on a towel in the bathroom this morning and heard a crack and it was a blue tongued lizard. it didn’t seem to be hurt.
Did I mention that my neighbour puts out my rubbish bins and brings them in ?
And Members pick me up and take me to meetings ?
And my Girl brings me food from the Prov in Bellingen ?
It is easy to forget to acknowledge those things.
The thing that is back upon me is SHAME and a regression to the years of hardship and failure. Best be done with those as soon as well. Its not so much that they are true now. They have simply come back as wraiths to haunt me. Time for them to go.
Geesh Life is a funny place to live.
Time to sleep now. Ah, Izzy. How I miss you. The Girls are all growing real big now. Mad is off ski-ing and 2 of them are chosen for gifted and talented. The Kids have their new house and they have your wide river timber as their lintels – back and front. Jaybee has a job he seems happy in. I just miss you. Boambee is naming their Community Gardens after you and Steve Batty has made 2 beautiful plaques for you. I love you, Izzy – and I am lonely.